I WAS ALWAYS TERRIFIED OF MONEY – AT 52, THIS IS HOW I FIXED MY FEAR

It’s early January. My seven-year-old daughter has an unexpected day off school (teacher training) so is at home with me, and I have what can only be described as a strong sense of existential dread – my tummy feels like a lump of clay. Why? Chiefly, because I haven’t checked my bank balance for a while, and am worried about what I’ll uncover. 

The more I avoid looking, the more anxious I feel. It’s stupid, really. I opened a credit card bill just before Christmas and the fear was so immense I had to sit down. It wasn’t even a big amount I owed, but my hands were shaking. I immediately jumped to the conclusion, before reading the bill, that this would be for an unimaginable amount that I had somehow forgotten about. That I was in trouble. That the world would come crashing down. 

Money has always felt like a malignant force not a friend. When I was the managing partner of a market research agency (about 12 years ago) it was problematic because I couldn’t focus in financial meetings. The minute a spreadsheet was shared, I would zone out. Or hide in the toilet. It didn’t make me look like a good leader. Especially when a colleague would ask whether profits were looking good and I’d scramble for an answer (often using my emergency phrase – let me circle back once I’ve interrogated the data. There was no way I was interrogating that data. I’d rather shove chopsticks in my eyes). 

Financial fear is a real thing for me. It means that I will put off looking at my bank balance. That I’m always terrified of any envelopes on the mat from HMRC (although I think this is quite common – I don’t know anyone who welcomes these letters). 

I often think we are shaped by our childhood experiences with money and that is certainly true for me. My mum was a single parent, and she worked hard to get us (me and my sisters) the things we needed. I remember in primary school, when I guess my ideas around money were being formed, mum couldn’t afford new uniform so we got them second hand from the dinner lady. She’d give me a bag of clothes during lunchtime, and the other kids would tease me. There was a fair amount of shame, and I was bullied over this and my weight.

In secondary school, I rarely had the well-known brands that other kids had: Timberland boots and British Knight trainers were most desirable. Summer holidays were spent with my Gran whilst mum worked. Things got better as I got older but those early experiences stuck. 

I grew up with a scarcity mindset. It was something that you couldn’t control or rely on. There was also some mixed messaging as my parents would sometimes splurge whilst at the same time telling me that we didn’t have enough. My Dad was a Marxist, and didn’t believe in consumerism, and he would often give lengthy lectures whilst queuing in Sainsbury’s on how “money is evil” and “property is theft”. This felt difficult to translate into everyday life. 

As soon as I was old enough, around 12, I got a job – first in a grocers, earning £5 a day. Then McDonalds when I was a bit older. I then worked through university (in a bar in Wembley, and then in Habitat) and held down two jobs whilst many of my peers didn’t need to. 

I don’t want to say that my parents haven’t supported me financially because they definitely have, but this was later on – in my thirties and forties when life became more comfortable for them, too. I know I am fortunate, more fortunate than many, but negative thoughts about money persist, long after your reality shifts and you are in a more positive position. 

I decided recently that I couldn’t continue as a 50-something freelancer if I didn’t face up to my fears. One of my biggest worries is also passing the fear of money onto my daughters. I want them to feel empowered enough to look at their finances, to invest (many women don’t do this as they’re scared or feel out of their depth) and to not believe the voice that says avoidance is the best strategy when it comes to talking about money. 

I needed to change the stories in my head. I contacted Lydia Johnson, a hypnotherapist who runs The London Clinic of Hypnotherapy. She strongly believes that we can get trapped in “non-supportive thoughts” about money and these become a reflex, a pattern that it’s hard to break out of. She designed a short hypnotherapy session to listen to at night – to build up my confidence and to fight some of the fear of finances that have plagued me. 

The session was easy to play each evening and consisted of a guided visualisation where Johnson says it is possible to rewire neural pathways, so I could change the narrative about money. During the session, she walked me through a story where I was on a beach, visualising the money worries as something that I’m leaving behind as I climb into the sea. It felt incredibly soothing and made me feel lighter. After a week of listening I felt calmer and more rational, like my nervous system wasn’t in fight or flight all the time. 

Another technique I’ve tried is brain dumping my thoughts about money onto paper. Many creatives use this technique to warm up for a day of writing but I’ve been using it to vent my fears. Now if I do wake up worrying about money, or what might happen in the future work wise, or my advancing years (money kicks off the anxiety and then I build a multi-layered anxiety cake), instead of believing all of it, I will dump it onto paper. 

Since trying hypnotherapy, I’ve found an accountant who can help me out with my tax return which always scares me to death. He has also introduced me to a few good habits. Making sure I keep an up to date spreadsheet with all my invoices. Keeping financial documents where I can find them easily. Also regularly checking my balance to see if there are things on there that I’m paying for and shouldn’t be (like subscriptions I’ve forgotten about). 

These simple steps have made me feel more in control of my life. It’s a journey and I haven’t rid myself completely of the fear, but I am working on it. Changing my mindset isn’t something that will happen overnight, so I’ll continue listening to the hypnotherapy each night and writing all my worries down. 

2026-01-16T06:51:46Z